Bringing Sexyback - 8/25/06

Well, not quite. I've decided to post one of my favorite (most hilarious) posts from the Summer of 2006. I've omitted some parts about my relatives and the part detailing visual grandeur. To see the original post, look up the Friday, August 25, 2006, post on my xanga. Caution: these stories may not be typical of other Chinese people.


Hello, readers. I've been to China and returned with stories for those who are curious about Chinese families and Chinese culture.

Index:
Part I: Dinner Table Talk and Linguistics
Part II: The Story of the Free Massage
Part III: Mastercard-Commercial-Like List of Numbers
Part IV: The Humor of Dad's Temper



Part I: Dinner Table Talk and Linguistics

Having a Chinese family means that whenever a crapload of family members come over for dinner, everyone usually gossips and brags. In my family, my dad always talks about the same things:

1) During the first 5 minutes of meeting the people we know, bro and I usually speak English with each other, which prompts my dad's friends to ask:

"Do they know how to speak Chinese?"
In the past, dad said we couldn't, though during this whole month, dad told our guests that we can understand, but not speak.

One time, my family went to dinner with 2 other families (one family friend and his friend's family). The family friend had a mother who looked like a Chinese Oprah and a daughter who brought over her boyfriend [>:(!].

Anyway, the usual convo about my bro and I lacking competency in Chinese was starting to piss me off. (During the tour to Yunnan, many tourists thought we couldn't speak Chinese...as does some family...)

The convo went like this:
Family friend's friend: "Do your kids speak Chinese?"
Dad: "They can speak a little and understand some."
Moi: "YES, I CAN SPEAK CHINESE AND UNDERSTAND IT, TOO."
FFF: "Hmm, maybe they can understand when I speak slowly, but maybe if I spoke faster, they wouldn't understand..."
Bro and Moi: "PSH, he wouldn't understand us whether we spoke quickly or slowly in English."

On the tour, a little girl 2 seats in front of us on the tour bus said to the girls behind her:
Little girl: "Ley gawk duck kuey dey gah ying mun hai mm hai ho duck yee ah?"
[Translation: "Do you think their English is cute/funny?"]
Moi: Hai ah!
[Translation: "Yes, it is!"]
That shut the little girl up.

2) Whenever we order fish, I usually eat the fish head. (Yes, it's full of gooey goodness.) This prompts dad to boast about my fishhead-eating abilities.
Dad: "My daughter is so good at eating fishheads. She puts the whole thing in her mouth and spits out only the bones. Even I'm not as good as she is. She is cleverer than any of those American girls, eating the fish with a 'zut zut' sound."

3) When family members or friends comment about my brother's large stature, Dad replies:
Dad: "Yes, my son is big for his age. Whenever you see him from the back, he looks like a man, but when you look at his face, you say, 'OH! He's a boy.'"


Dad usually peppers his discussions with colorful onomatopoeia or hyperboles...
[Sang = sound.]
"Zut zut sang" = The sound of sucking the goodness out of fish bones

"Feh feh sang" = The sound of flying

"...doh fey hay!" = "...that I levitate!"
Usually used to express how good or bad something is, this phrase is comparable to "[good/bad] as hell/heck."
i.e. "Yee/Li tew yu ho sic doh fey hay!"
[This fish is so good that I levitated (as delicious as hell).]

"...doh song sai!" = "...until one is comfortable/full."
Usually expresses a person doing something until a certain point, i.e. eating until one is satisfied.

"...doh bao zah." = "...until one explodes."
Usually expresses a person doing something until full.


Dad also uses a range of curse words that puts the common American to shame. (Even I can't name them all; these words are common knowledge to the average Chinese speaker.)

"Hum gah tsan" = I hope your whole family dies [Literal translation: 全家死(?)]

"Hum gah ling" = I hope your whole family dies, v2

"Pok gai" = Bastard/Hope you die on the street [温蛋]

"Chee seen" = Crazy [神经病]

"Diu!!" = Short for "Diu ley lo mo!"

"Diu ley lo mo!" = F*** your mom!

Learned one from mom/tour guide:
"干你妈!"[Gan ni ma] = F*** your mom!

Just for fun, I'd like to say that I like the phrase,
"Hum bah laung" = Everything


There are several other phrases worth understanding:

"Gow mm aww see gah dey fong" = A place that even a dog would not poop on, meaning it's so dirty a dog would not even take a dump there

"Gnok gwai sic dow fu" = To trick a ghost to eat tofu. Ghosts can't eat solids, so if you trick them to eat solids, it means you are quite persuasive


My peach cousin, age 13, is a funny little guy. I call him Peach because his name sounds like peach. His mom always tells me he's the most troublesome kid in class, though he's quite entertaining whenever he isn't playing computer games. Here are some noteworthy phrases he's taught moi:

"找死" [Zhao si] = Go find a place to die.

"打灯去找屎" [Da deng qu zhao shi] = Go find a bathroom to die.
Literal translation: Turn on the bathroom light to find poop (poop almost sounds like die in Chinese).

Peach had this riddle:
"What's another word for 'Fei zou woh shaung' (African Priest)?"
"Hauk yun zung." (Means, "Annoying.")

"Diu!" = Damn!


My cousin in HK, whose American name is Keith, said goodbye in a novel way.
K: 86
Moi: 86? What's 86?
K: Bye lo [Lo means 'guy']
Moi: HAH. Gwai6. Saw6.
[Gwai lo = American guy
Saw lo = Crazy guy]


Part II: The Story of the Free Massage
[Best viewed in Chinese.]

免费按摩的故事

我们在云南旅游的时候，妈妈，弟弟，和我去酒店拿了免费“狗皮膏药”， 脚泡，和脚按摩(18岁以上)。 弟弟坐在我的右边，妈妈坐在弟弟的右边。

我还没放脚进去脚泡水的时候，按摩的人已经来了。按摩的人比较年轻，但是他的样子比较老。

他问我： “你从哪里来的？”
我答: “广州。”

我们谈了一下。

他指了弟弟，问： “他是不是你的男朋友？”
我觉他有一点眼睛的毛病。

我惊奇[Jing Qi]地问：“什么？！他是我的弟弟！我们不像吗？”

按摩的人说：“没关系，没关系。”

他问我：“你跟谁来？”
我说：“我跟妈妈和弟弟来的。”
他指妈妈右边的男人, 问: “他是不是你的爸爸？”
我说，“不是，爸爸在广州。”
那位家伙又问我妈妈旁边的人是不是我的爸爸。我台了眉毛，又跟他说那个人不是我的爸爸。我觉得这位按摩的人神经病。

我们又谈了一下。我跟按摩的人说我是个美国公民。他说他知道我不是“这里”的人。

他问：“美金最小的纸钱是什么？”
我对他说：“＄1元美金。”
他说：“我从来没见过，你可以给我看看好吗？”

我从钱包拿了＄1美金给他看。

他求我：“可不可以给我和我朋友作纪念？”

我从钱包拿了一分钱。
我说：“我给你这个，好吧？”

妈妈大笑。按摩的人摇摇手，说他不要。


The Story of the Free Massage

While on the Yunnan tour, my mom, bro, and I went to get a free herbal remedy at a hotel, which included free patches for headaches/backaches, a foot soaking, and a foot massage (for those 18 years and older). Sitting to the right of me was my brother and then next to him was my mom.

After I had barely put my feet into the foot soak solution, a man in his mid-twenties came to massage my feet. He asked me where I was from and I told him, "Guangzhou."

After a few more words were exchanged, he asked me, "Is he [points to bro] your boyfriend?" I looked at him with shocking amazement and asked him, "What?! He is my BROTHER! Do we NOT look alike?" The guy tried to calm me down by saying, "It's okay, it's okay..."

He asked me about my family and I told him I was with my mom and brother. He then pointed to the far end of the chairs next to my mom and asked if that was my father. I told him, no, my father is at home. He asked me again and I raised my eyebrow as I relayed the same information to him.

We started to chat a little more and then I told him I was an American citizen. He then looked at me with knowingness and said,"Oh, I thought you weren't from around here." After that, he asked what was the smallest denomination for a U.S. Bill. I told him it was $1. He told me that he hadn't seen it before and wanted to know what it looked like. I looked in my wallet and took out the $1 and showed it to him.

He then asked, "Can me and my friend have one for a souvenir?"

I looked into my wallet and took out a penny. "Why don't I give you one of these," I said with a smirk. Mom laughed. The man said no and waved his hand wildly.


Babelfish translator says:
We travel in Yunnan, mother, the younger brother, went to the hotel with me to take "the quack remedy" free, the foot soaked, with foot massage (above 18 years old). The younger brother sits in mine right side, mother sits in younger brother's right side. I have not put the foot to go in the foot soaks in water, the massage person already comes. Massage person quite young, but his appearance quite is old. He asks me: "Do you come from where?" I answer: "Guangzhou." We discussed. He has referred to the younger brother, asked: "Is he your boyfriend?" My sense he has an eye the problem. I am surprised [ Jing Qi ] to ask that, "What? ! He is my younger brother! We do not like?" The massage person said that, "Has not related, has not related." He asks me: "Do you come with who?" I said that, "I come with mother and the younger brother." He refers to right side mother the man, asked: "Is he your daddy?" I said that, "is not, daddy in Guangzhou." That fellow also asked nearby my mother the person is my daddy. My eyebrow, also with him said that person is not my daddy. I think this massage person mental illness. We also discussed. I with the massage person said I am the American citizens. He said he knew I am not "here" person. He asked that, "What is a Dollar smallest paper money?" I said to him that, "＄ 1 Yuan Dollar." He said that, "I have not always seen, you may have a look to me?" I took ＄ 1 Dollar from the wallet to look to him. He asks me: "May give me and my friend makes the commemoration?" I have taken a cent money from the wallet. I said that, "I give you this, is good?" Mother laughs. The massage person shaky hand, said he does not want.


Part III: Mastercard-Commercial-Like List of Numbers

(Note that I estimate costs in US$.)


Getting followed by aggressive employees everytime I browsed a store: My Patience (Not able to be estimated in US$.)

Sighting 57 black people (Chinese-Africans??) on the streets: $1

Spending 25 Days in China: $3,000+

Spending 6 Days and 5 Nights in Yunnan: $625

Viewing 7.5 Chinese DVDs: $5+
- Dragon Tiger Gate
- Mah Jong Kung Fu
- Mah Jong Kung Fu 2
- Dragon Loaded
- Dragon Reloaded
- Random Stephen Chow movie (on tourbus)
- "Duk haan yum cha" - with that crazy cussing lady (Qiu Yuen) as a mild motha
- Initial D Live Action (with Jay Chou) - only paid attention to half of it

Walking around 4 Malls: $50+
- Beijing Road (北京路)
- Shang Xia Jiu (上下九）
- Rows of shops selling anime/movie/show dvds, music, toys, cosplaying materials
- Mall in Zhuhai with an underground bookstore

Spending 3 nights at Peach's House: Free for me, expensive for them

Playing Badminton 3 times: $5+

Going out for 2 Parents' birthday dinners: $375+

Singing 2 rounds of karaoke: $87.5

Taking 2 trips to cities around Guangzhou: $15
- Shenzhen
- Zhuhai (Dad climbed over a fence to get to Macau to renew his visa.)

Watching 1 Movie ("Superman Returns" with Chinese Subs): $3

The Trip Back: (Could've cost me) My Life (if there was no delay)

Going to the Supermarket and noticing an old guy looking at porn dvds: Priceless


Part IV: The Humor of Dad's Temper

Dad has bursts of temper, from time to time, but all his outbursts are justified.

Exhibit A: The Restaurant
When my family and my dad's employee, "Ah Ping," went to a fresh seafood restaurant one day, my dad discovered that the employees had cooked a random dead fish instead of the fresh one that he chose. When the fish got to our table, Dad busted out his chopsticks and attempted to tear the flesh off of the fish bones. He became annoyed that the fish's flesh did not melt off of the bones like in a fresh fish, so he knew the fish was dead. He called the waiter and complained about the fish. After complaining to the waiter, he told the waiter to bring his supervisor. She came and dad became angrier about the situation, citing that it was the second time that this happened to him at this restaurant. Finally, he told the supervisor to bring her manager to the table.

The manager arrived.

(The following dialogue is approximately what happened.)

Dad: Why did you give us a dead fish to eat?
("Wai, lei deen guy bay gnaw day sei yu sic?!")

Manager: Sir ("Ah saung"), this fish was cooked alive. This is the way it is.

Dad: Well, I came here last time with friends and the fish's flesh didn't stick to the bones, but this flesh does. ("Li gaw yu mm let gwut"). You froze a dead fish and then cooked it. Look, even the fish's skin is a different color - the one I chose was gray.

Manager: The fish turns colors when cooked.

Dad: Here, try it yourself. Hey waiter, get me some chopsticks ("Lang zuy, law dee fiy zee gaw lai)!

After arguing for 10 minutes, Dad's voice became louder.

Manager: Sir, please calm down. ("Ah Saung, lei laung zing dee.")

The manager was frustrated that he could not convince my dad of the fish's freshness. Dad didn't want the fish and told the waiter to take it away. Finally, the manager offered to give my dad another fish that was cooked the way he liked it. My dad had the chance to watch the cook prepare the fish, but he didn't watch. The manager came back with the fish and dad was a little more satisfied. So, we dined on the fish, the fish that lives on the sea floor and has two eyes on one side.


Exhibit B: The Airport
The day before I left China, we were at the airport, unaware that the flight had been canceled due to a bomb threat on a previous flight from the same company. Dad discovered that the flight was canceled and demanded a refund. He caused a big commotion. The passengers from our flight were coming to the table to ask where the check-in booth was for LAX. An American college grad girl eyed dad with curious annoyance. Dad yelled and yelled. He told the employees to book another flight and the manager asked him why, and Dad said we want to go home faster. We three settled for a free night's stay at a hotel. Had I known that our flight would take off during the next day, I would have told my dad to calm down.

We three passengers got on the bus with a bunch of Americans, who sat in front of us. I eavesdropped because, heh heh heh...little did they know that I could speak and understand English. The college grad talked about teaching English in China since July and the two business partners on her left spoke of being in the furniture business. They both agreed that China was safer than Europe.

An approximate dialogue follows.

Grad Girl: Some of these people really get mad in China, especially over the flight being canceled.

Business Amigos: Yeah, did you see that guy in the purple shirt [my dad]? He was LOSING IT!

Upon hearing this, bro and I giggled. When mom got onto the bus, we told her this. As the bus crept forward toward the hotel, we eavesdropped as a family (nosy Asian people - Chinese people say that other Chinese people are so nosy that they'd peek at a piece of poop on the sidewalk).

We arrived at the hotel and found dad waving at us. The Americans exclaimed, "Hey! He's already here! Traffic lights probably turned green as he drove through with a Rolls-Royce."

Dad went to the counter of the hotel to ask about rooms. We had three people, but the hotel would not give us another room (or even one room per person), so dad yelled a little louder. He even stated that we need another room for my bro ("Yee/Li gaw hai dai gaw zuy!!") We decided to get a third bed moved into the room (it was a kiddy Hello Kitty bed and mom slept on it). The Americans were staring and whispering to themselves again. The Americans were next in line and discovered that they had to pay $150 Yuan per extra room. Then, Dad spoke in English and said $150 Yuan is about $15 dollars and that the hotel service isn't good. Mom added that the Chinese hotels try to save money (by charging people extra to get a more than one room per party).

Dad sent us up to our room and my Peach aunt and uncle visited for awhile.


Mini-Exhibits of Cussing:

1) There are many crazy drivers in China (no one follows the laws of right-of-way or traffic laws), and many times, Dad cusses at those drivers. However, I must add that he himself is a crazy driver (going the wrong way on one-way streets, driving on the sidewalk, cutting people off because they won't let him through, etc.).

Once, dad cursed, "Diu lei gah sing!" Bro asked, "What's...'sing'?" To this day, I still don't know what "sing" means...but it sounds like the Cantonese version of "string."

2) Recently, mom was talking about her family members and then mentioned this "Ah Hua" lady, her cousin. Mom told me the lady is arrogant and always boasts about her wealth.

Dad cussed, "Ah Hua yow cheen meh? Gnaw yut tchui dum sei kuy, tai kuy zong yow mo cheen!" (She has money, huh. I'll see if she still has money when I smack her upside her head/deal her a deathblow).